The Pressure Is On
I’m at home on a Monday, teaching remotely while my school is in-person. This is a two-day week, and I still find myself with existential amounts of stress.
Par for the 2020 course, right?
You see, I upended my teaching role and converted my class to be exclusively outdoors. I teach K-5 science. In order to allow students some movement, change of pace, and literally a change of location from their general education classroom, this was my best solution.
Teach outdoors.
Everything has been going well, not perfect by any means, but well, especially for 2020.
On Saturday, I received a phone call that would turn this all upside down (again). A student in one of my classes has tested positive for COVID19.
Although I am not considered a close contact, despite teaching this student in person, I have chosen to quarantine and get tested.
What I did not fully comprehend at that moment was the avalanche that it would cause, the very impact it would have on a broader set of people, and my own mental health.
You see, I don’t mind teaching from home.
Is it ideal? Nope.
Do I prefer it over teaching in-person and outdoors? Absolutely not.
But it is not the end of the world…just yet.
Having chosen to be tested not only means I cannot report to school until test results are received, but my two children who attend my school also cannot attend school today or tomorrow.
On top of that, they also cannot attend their classes remotely while they have not been asked to quarantine by the school per se and their teachers have not been given 48 hours notice to prepare for them to learn from home. Not to mention, my family does not have devices for them to connect. Your first reaction might be to scoff here at this protocol for educators; hold that for a moment though. The 48-hour protocol has been put in to protect teachers from unfair expectations to have manipulatives and alternative assignments at the drop of a hat for students who travel, must quarantine, or (hopefully least likely), just decide they would like to stay home for a day and learn from there instead of reporting in person. The unfortunate side effect of all of this is a situation like mine where my own children are essentially just “free” for two days. That wouldn’t be such a big deal if I were not still responsible for teaching the entire day all whilst making sure my own children are occupied. This is probably familiar to many who in March of this year found themselves in similar situations.
It’s incredibly frustrating but I can tell you that I feel wholeheartedly that I am making the right decision for everyone involved. It’s just overwhelming, but we aren’t finished yet.
While I am teaching from home, the classroom teachers now must remain in their rooms with their students as I teach, thus eliminating their planning time for the day. Also incredibly unfair to them.
So, the pressure is on. All weekend, I battled intense feelings of fear (am I infected?), guilt (can I really put my colleagues and my own children through this situation?), second (and 100x) guessing my decision to stay home. I scheduled and rescheduled my rapid test appointment at least ten times, no exaggeration. I texted friends and colleagues about my situation, breaking into tears, knowing what I should do, and what the pressure made me feel like I should do instead.
These are the types of decisions that haunt educators at the moment. Whether we have to personally make these judgment calls or wonder if families in our communities are making them?
It’s similar to “normal year” calling in sick judgments. It is no secret that it is easier to just show up as an educator sick than to write substitute plans.
But is it the right thing to do?
What I am doing, quarantining, teaching from home, and being tested, are the right thing to do. I have no doubt. The pressure, the guilt, the avalanche that this decision causes are enough to make anyone crumble, though. I spent the entire weekend agonizing over my decision. In fact, I made myself email colleagues to give them the heads up about myself quarantining and voluntarily being tested in order to hold myself accountable for that decision. that did not, however, stop my mind from racing about it nonstop.
Now, we still aren’t finished. On top of all of this, I had to transform my lesson plans from outdoor, in-person experiences, to engaging remote learning ones.
But wait, there’s more.
Me teaching from home is even more difficult in this setting than it was in the Spring. I am connecting to the classroom teacher’s zoom as a co-host. No engaging students with breakout rooms, chats, jamboards, I cannot even see the entire physically distanced classroom of students on my screen. That means there are students that I cannot see at all. I am projected on the screen in front of the room like a guest speaker. I also cannot prepare manipulatives for each student ahead of time to deliver so they can create “with” me on the screen.
I am not talking about any of this for pity, a pat on the back, or any sort of recognition, no, this is about what educators have to think through every second of the day. This still doesn’t scratch the surface.
Today was rough. My lessons were engaging and all of my classes were engaged. My own two children had lists of learning tasks to complete during the day while I was teaching and that worked for them for about the first 30 minutes of the working day. It was not long before they were at my feet, crawling around, sneaking away with some of my office supplies, trying to sneak into the camera view or ask for more snacks (how many do they need?).
It was incredibly frustrating and I have to do it all again tomorrow.
The pressure is on.
It’s been on.
This isn’t fair. Not even close. I imagine this pressure causes many to make decisions that are “easier” (is that even possible) rather than what is “right” in any given moment.
Today and tomorrow would be so much easier if I did not choose to get myself tested and quarantine.
But, would I be able to live with the knowledge later that I may actually be infected and infecting others unknowingly?
This is a potentially dangerous situation.
Maybe everything is fine. But…maybe it’s not.
The pressure is on.
